VALENTINE’S Day is just around the corner, and many people will be thinking about how they can treat their significant other.
Before you go splashing out, etiquette expert William Hanson has revealed the “tackiest” things you can do on February 14 that you should avoid at ALL costs.
William said to Fabulous: “The British have always struggled with the concept of showing love and affection.
“We either struggle to outwardly express our love (“whatever love means”, The Prince of Wales) or go too far, drowning our squeeze in a gushing tsunami of affection.
“Very few have found the happy, now-acceptable medium.”
Here are the etiquette guru’s top tacky ways of celebrating Valentine’s Day, so how many are you guilty of doing?
Buying big and/or gushy cards
Valentine’s Day really is the pinnacle of Hallmark holidays, but even some of the hardened PLU will succumb to sending their wife or husband a greetings card.
But your social class is revealed by the choice of card: humorous cards much more ‘trad Brit’ than downmarket sentimental gushy ones.
Size matters, too. There is a distinct social correlation between the size of you Valentine’s card and your television. Big is not best. Smaller, and likely a little old fashioned, is closer to social acceptance.
Calling it ‘date night’
Putting aside certain evenings to spend together with your loved one and terming them ‘date nights’ is a clear sign that you’re more stupid than Cupid.
Especially since March 2020 when, if you co-habit with your partner, every night for months and months has been an enforced date night.
But it’s worse if you post photos of these smultzy nights online to tell the world.
And if you think getting a delivery from places like Nando’s, Pizza Express or GBK are good choices to feed your loved one on said ‘date night’, then I wouldn’t start picking out the china and telling guests to buy hats anytime soon.
Try to make your own trends as a duo rather than copying what you read or see on social media.
Calling each other babe
Under no circumstances must you call your partner terms like better half, significant other, hubby, wifey, bae, babe, babes, beau, the Mrs, ball and chain, etc.
In fact, to be socially spot-on, anything euphemistic is a no-go: spade and spade, and all that.
Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend. Sorted.
(Incidentally, the term partner used to be NQOCD – partners were for law firms, not loved ones.
This has changed over time and partner is just about over the border into the realm of acceptability, but usually when the partner’s gender is not relevant to the conversation the other partner is having with a stranger.)
Chocolate covered oysters, strawberries covered in tabasco – or whichever way round it is.
These may supposedly be aphrodisiacs but rarely get anyone in the mood.
Rose petals on the bed
A hotel we were staying at once thought it would be a nice touch to decorate our bedroom with ruby red rose petals – scattered in a heart shape, too. Double yuck.
Not only was this vulgar but, after the petals were removed, the pristine white bedding ended up looking like a murder scene. Not something that sparks the flames of desire.
Some tasteful roses in a vase or (better still) a silver rose bowl is better.
‘A night off stacking the dishwasher’, ‘four free kisses’, ‘just me and you time’. Pass the sick bucket, Muriel.
Love tokens, sex coupons – call them what you will just don’t do them.
If you want a night off stacking the dishwasher then just politely say so, don’t produce a piece of pleading cardboard.
Instagramming your love
Arguably, you can just about get away with all the above if you don’t cave to the modern pressure to share your saccharine exploits with your social media followers. #blessed
Remember, you’re dating your partner – not your followers.
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Celebrating the day in the first place
Finally, actually marking the day in any way is itself questionable.
Do you really need a day scheduled by a commercial greetings card operation to exchange gifts and mark, strengthen and solidify your relationship? No.
Here are the best sex toys for single girls to use on Valentine’s Day – including Poundland’s £8 Nooky vibrator.
And this sexpert reveals ‘damaging’ sex toy myths women believe & why you need to think again this Valentine’s Day.
Meanwhile from clutter to snacks & clocks and TV… mindblowing reasons why your bedroom could be killing your sex life.
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