A few mysteries have baffled humankind for years: How was Stonehenge made? Who killed JFK? What’s in Area 51? And, of course, the most baffling one of all: how can anyone sleep without a top sheet?
Seriously, what kind of person—if, indeed, you even are a person and not some kind of alien parading around in human skin—must you be to sleep without one? Top sheets may not be the MVP of bedtime (that’s pillows, duh), but they’re still an irreplaceable part of the team. Yeah, you read that right, I said “irreplaceable,” just like Beyoncé.
And if you don’t believe me, a) you’re wrong and b) here’s why:
Top sheets keep you perfectly warm in the winter.
Sure, you could go on a cuffing season spree to find a warm body to snooze next to on cold December nights, or you could enjoy the steadfast comfort of the ultimate life partner: a top sheet. (Best part? You don’t have to awkwardly break up with it once spring rolls around, and a cute guy joins your gym.)
Nestled underneath your duvet/comforter, a top sheets adds the ideal additional layer of warmth, which, again, unless you’re an cold-blooded, reptilian-style alien masquerading as a human being (you look great, btw, love your hair!), you should want.
And if you get too hot lying beneath your top sheet and duvet? Just scooch that comforter down a smidge, and—boom—you’re the perfect temp. No matter how frigid it gets, your top sheet, like the cast of Friends, will always be there for you.
Plus, they protect you from getting murdered.
What happens if you get too hot underneath just a comforter and decide to move it down? You’re left exposed. And you know what happens to people who sleep exposed? They get murdered. (Sorry, but that’s just how it is. I don’t make the rules.) Like a knight in shining linen, your top sheet protects you.
And they’re a summer **essential** (go ahead, @ me.)
Even in the most disgusting of heatwaves (read: last weekend) a top sheet is the perfect thickness to keep you covered—and, as aforementioned, safe from murderers—without forcing you to wake up swimming in sweat.
Now, I suppose you could use a light blanket of some sort instead, but, let’s be real, that light blanket is essentially a top sheet that just costs extra money. So, in the immortal words of DJ Khaled: “Congratulations, you played yourself.”
So, instead, of wasting your hard-earned cash on a “light” blanket that goes unused nine months out of the year, you could—and tbh, should—use that money to buy a second part of sheets (because if you’re not changing them once a week, you’ve got a whole other problem on your hands).
They’re literally saving the planet, without asking for anything in return.
Maybe you don’t use a top sheet in the summer because you prefer to sleep underneath your comforter with the A/C blasting (or so I have heard—I try not to associate with such Marie Antoinette types). If that’s the case, well, then, I really don’t know how you sleep at night, knowing that every second of your ice capades is one second closer to destroying our precious planet. (Also, how can you afford this lifestyle??? Please take me on your private jet.)
Well, on the bright side, you won’t need a duvet or top sheet when everything’s underwater, so that’s something to look forward to… NOT!
Instead, it’s time to live by this motto: Save a top sheet, save the world.
Watch this ya filthy Earth-killers, and learn how to cool down without air conditioning:
Top sheets are not the problem. You are.
And, finally, to everyone who claims they don’t use a top sheet because “it ends up bunched down around my feet or on the floor every night.” You know what that sounds like? A “you” problem.
Maybe, maybe that happens in the winter because, okay, you’ve got a lot of stuff going on with your bedding. I’ll give you that (and only that). But there is no way that—if you gave a top sheet the chance it so rightly deserves—this would happen in the summer. All it would do is love and cherish you, if you let it.
So, in conclusion, if you don’t use a top sheet: you’re wrong, you’re an alien who doesn’t understand body temperature needs, you’re killing the planet, and it’s only a matter of time before you get murdered. But whatever, it’s survival of the fittest, and I’ve officially done my civic duty. Brb, off to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for a top sheet shopping spree…
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